Borrowed from the terrific a capella vocal group, “Da Vinci’s Notebook”.

I wish I were a bird,
‘Cause if I were a bird
Then I could take wing high above you,
And you could watch my white wings flap
And I could take a great big crap
On anyone who tried to hurt you.
But then I’d have to desert you
Flying southward in the fall…
I don’t want to be a bird after all.

I wish I were a dog,
‘Cause if I were a dog,
Then I’d do tricks to show I love you,
I could run and fetch the stick,
And I could sit right down and lick
My privates when your mom came over
But if I was your rover,
You’d have my testicles recalled…
I don’t want to be a dog after all.

I wish I were a deer,
‘Cause if I were a deer
Then we could play out in the forest,
‘Til you shot my by mistake,
Then you would carve me into steak
With a touch so sweet and gentle
Keep my head as a memento,
Hanging in the upstairs hall…
I don’t want to be a deer after all.

I wish I were a monkey
‘Cause if I were a monkey
I could be your furry jester
And whenever you were blue
You’d come and see me at the zoo
My antics would be reassurin’
But I would always reek of urine
And throw my feces at the wall…
I don’t want to be a monkey after all.