Atlanta has the densest concentration of criminally stupid drivers in our nation. I am reminded of this fact every morning, and this morning was no exception.

Today, as I drove along at approximately 1/20 of the legal speed limit behind a soccer-mom’s SUV in the fast lane, I noticed a sticker with the words “Shepton Lady Stallions” wrapped around the image of a soccer ball. Because this woman had achieved the coveted “extremely stupid” classification, I followed her in this way for two miles, and therefore had perhaps ten minutes to contemplate the sticker. Finally, the words sank in.

Lady, in all of its many forms, generally refers to a female. It’s fairly common, especially with scholastic and collegiate athletic teams, to name a female team by adding “Lady” to the male team’s name. Thus we have “Warriors” and “Lady Warriors”, “Cardinals” and “Lady Cardinals”, and even “Beavers” and “Lady Beavers”. These don’t bother me at all. In fact, that last one even excites me a little. It surprises (but also relieves) me to note that the anti-sexist-police haven’t gotten wind of this and put a stop to it.

Stallion is a gender-specific term. In fact, it’s so gender-specific that it’s become a metaphor for virility, along with its close synonym, “stud”. The stallion is a symbol of power, which is why it’s the logo of the Norfolk Southern Railroad. It’s the symbol of masculinity, which is why a Mustang stallion adorns the grill of every Ford Mustang muscle car ever made. It’s also, apparently, the symbol of Shepton High School, of Plano, Texas. In any case, “stallion” refers to a reproductively intact adult male horse.*

This left me pondering the nature of the Lady Stallions. Are these horses with male reproductive tackle, but with sweet dispositions? Do they have different gaits? Say, “swish”, “saunter”, and “sashay” in place of walk, trot, and canter? Do the other stallions resent them, because they’re better dressers and have more developed social skills? Does the stable deny them domestic-partner benefits?

Perhaps it’s the other way around. These could be militant feminist mares, who are tired of all the inequality and disparity in treatment that they receive in a stallion-dominated world, and have decided to rebel and demand the same rights as stallions do. Mares on top, one might say. With or without the inevitable prosthetic developments that this implies, it’s a scary thought. Mares get PMS too, but they can weigh 1400 pounds.**

In any case, clearly any horse that calls itself a “lady stallion” has got some serious gender-identity issues. I hope that Shepton High School is sensitive to this and is getting these Lady Stallions the help they need.

* For non-horse people: “gelding” refers to a castrated adult male horse, and “mare” refers to an adult female horse.
** 100 stone, for our British readers.