I wonder if really attractive women understand the impact they have on the men in their immediate vicinity. I’m almost sure they don’t fully comprehend it.

In the grocery store tonight, as I walked down the aisle, the following communications passed over my internal networks.

PERIPHERAL VISION: PERIPHERAL TO BRAIN! ALERT! FLASH TRAFFIC!

BRAIN: Go ahead, peripheral, but make it quick, we’re doing a frozen broccoli ident and we’re a little busy.

PERIPHERAL VISION: Roger that. We’ve got a female, 11:00 at about 5 yards, inbound. Request take a quick visual.

HYPOTHALAMUS: Roger, peripheral, we’re prioritizing your contact over the broccoli. Let’s get a visual.

BRAIN:Roger, we’re glancing, stand by… eyes to 11:00 please, refocus and look sharp, people.

EYES: WHOA! Brain, eyes here, we’re locked on, pupils are going max open, we’ve got focus. Preliminary assessment: shoulder length soft blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, and a radiant smile. GORGEOUS!

BRAIN: Right, OK, let’s link that to emotion central … let’s have a report, emotion.

EMOTION: HOLY MOLY, Brain, she’s got a really pretty face, it’s really overloading things down here, stand by, we’re working on it.

BRAIN: Right, emotion, what do we think about the rest of her? Say, a little lower? How about the body?

EMOTION: Uh, negative, brain, not in that mode right now…we weren’t really expecting…

GONADS: Yo! We’re on that puppy, sir … just give us a good low glance and bada bing, bada boom, YEAHHHHH…

BRAIN: NOOOOOO! Dammit, STAND DOWN, gonads! Do we need to go bicycling again before you get the message?

GONADS: No. No, absolutely not, we’re good. Gonads going to standby mode. Sorry, sir.”

EMOTION: BRAIN! We’ve got an overload! We’re gonna wax poetic, I can’t hold it, I can’t hold it!

BRAIN: ROGER, WAX ON! Library management, stand by!

EMOTION:

SHE walks in beauty, like the night	 
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,	 
And all that's best of dark and bright	 
Meets in her aspect and her eyes.

Was this the face that launch'd a thousand ships
And burnt the topless towers of Ilium?

This doesn’t happen to me ev’ryday (oh my)
Let’s spend the night together
No excuses offered anyway (oh my)
Let’s spend the night together

BRAIN: WAX OFF! WAX OFF! WAX OFF! Jeez, Emotion … the Rolling Stones?

GONADS: Somebody say stones?

BRAIN: BAG IT, Gonads. OK, eyes, has she seen us looking yet?

EYES: Negative, sir, but she’s gonna look up any second!

BRAIN: Okay, we’re down to 12 feet and she’s not turning, we’re gonna pass close!

EYES: SHE’S LOOKING UP! SHE’S LOOKING UP! WE’VE GOT TO LOOK AWAY!

BRAIN: Steady eyes, this is what we train for. Stay on target. Facial, this is brain. Smile, smile immediately! Let’s go with friendly mode, non-threatening, and keep it brief! Spinal, let’s have a slight nod, too. We don’t want her to think we’re lusting after her, we’re just displaying a tacit greeting, OK? Acknowledge those orders!

FACE: Face, aye! We’re flashing a quick howdy do smile, 70% brightness.

SPINE: Spinal, aye, a level 1 head nod, zero tilt.

VERBAL: Can I just say…

GONADS:Yeah, dude, tell her she’s got nice…
BRAIN, EYES, FACE, EMOTION:NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO AND HELL NO!

VERBAL: OK, you don’t have to YELL!

BRAIN: OK, we’ve been eye-locked for a while, let’s not get creepy now … eyes, look away, target that frozen spinach at 2:00!

PERIPHERAL VISION: Skipper, we’re still tracking but we’re gonna lose her in a minute. Can we get a slight head turn?

BRAIN: Okay, eyes, let’s re-target … there’s some frozen orange juice at 10:00, give it a scan.

EYES: Roger, OK, we’re stealing a couple of glances, she’s really pretty, I wish we could ask her out.

EMOTION: You said it, brother, Wow. We sure could have used the company. What we need most right now is a friend, and she really looked sweet. Wouldn’t give us a second glance though.

OLFACTORY: She really smelled nice, too. How you doin’, Nads, hangin’ in there?

GONADS: Dead babies. Sad movies. Mother-in-law in a bikini. Pig vomit. Can’t. Get. Excited. Camilla Parker Bowles. Yanni. SimonG in a tutu.

SKELETAL: Boss, we’ve got a little weakness in the knee area, we’re locking it down now, stand by.

HEART: We’ve got a little flutter here too, boss, but it’s under control.

BRAIN: OK, good response everybody. We got shaken up a little, but everyone held together and we handled it. Eyes, emotion, skeletal, first class job. Gonads, I’m even proud of you, we got through that whole evolution and managed not to check out her …

GONADS: WHOA DUDE! YEAH! CHECK OUT HER ASSSSSSSSS! RADICAL!

BRAIN: DAMN YOU EYES! HAVE I TOLD YOU TO NEVER LINK IMAGES TO GONADS WITHOUT CLEARANCE?

EYES: Sorry boss. Gonads tricked me.

BRAIN: Nads, you’re lucky I don’t sack you on the spot, but I might need you one day.

EMOTION: Ah…Someday. Someday. And you’ll need me too.

REASON: What happened? I lost my voice.

BRAIN: Never mind. Let’s go home. Nav, lay in a course for checkout register 3. Engage.

* “The Temple”, George Herbert, 1633