I have just been informed, much to my great relief and surprise, that I am not the World’s Worst Person. Certainly I ran a good race, but it seems that to take first place with style requires more than I’ve got. The Atlanta Journal-Constitution (through the oddball news site FARK), reports that an Atlanta man has gone the extra mile to earn that coveted distinction from New York web site gawker.com.

I have always thought that in the interest of scientific accuracy, the term “meteoric” should describe a descent, rather than an ascent. Let’s take it from the top, then, and follow John Fitzgerald Page‘s flaming, meteoric re-entry into the atmosphere of public disdain. We’ll begin with his decision to post a profile on dating site match.com using the screen name, “IvyLeagueAlum.” Subtle, isn’t it? One young lady, who now admits she should have known better, sent him a wink, which is just a signal of mild interest on Match.

In response to the wink, our hero sent an amazingly arrogant, chest-pounding, come-hither (if you think you’re worthy) e-mail to the young lady. In it he boasted of his high-rise condo, his Ivy League (Penn / Wharton) undergrad and graduate degrees, his workout regimen, and his job with Limited Brands. He also immediately asked about the lady’s educational background, height, weight, and exercise habits.

The lady, smart one that she is, used a built-in form letter on Match to send him a “Thanks, but no thanks.” Most guys would have just moved on, but not our World’s Worst Person. Instead, he blasted back with the following missive, which I reproduce in its entirety purely because my own meager writing skills could not begin to do justice to its description.

I think you forgot how this works. You hit on me, and therefore have to impress ME and pass MY criteria and standards – not vice versa. 6 pictures of just your head and your inability to answer a simple question lets me know one thing. You are not in shape. I am a trainer on the side, in fact, I am heading to the gym in 26 minutes!

So next time you meet a guy of my caliber, instead of trying to turn it around, just get to the gym! I will even give you one free training session, so you don’t blow it with the next 8.9 on Hot or Not, Ivy League grad, Mensa member, can bench/squat/leg press over 1200 lbs., has had lunch with the secretary of defense, has an MBA from the top school in the country, lives in a Buckhead high rise, drives a Beemer convertible, has been in 14 major motion pictures, was in Jezebel’s Best dressed, etc. Oh, that is right, there aren’t any more of those!

Regards,

John

Isn’t that charming? He wrote one paragraph dedicated to pointedly insulting a woman who would dare to reject him, and followed it up with a second paragraph dangerously overpressurized with slimy, narcissistic self-promotion. When that paragraph burst, it splattered Fitzgerald’s excuse for a personality over every blog, tabloid, and newspaper in the country.

The AJC, in fact, attempted to contact Fitzgerald for an interview. Predictably enough (do you see this coming?), he asked if he’d be compensated, and when he was told no, he declined to comment, mentioning that Inside Edition was offering him cash for an exclusive on the story.

Congratulations, John Fitzgerald Page, for beating out tough competition like me, and proving yourself truly worthy of the title, “World’s Worst Person.” May God have mercy on your dates.