Relocated here from Facebook. Originally posted November 20, 2010. Reposted for reference. Names have been added.

I am red-faced with anger.

The thread is gone; it was removed by someone who meant well, thinking that if the evidence were erased, the hurt would be, too. It doesn’t work that way. My wife’s tears are still moistening her cheeks, her eyes are still red, and her heart aches. All of this was vitally important to one woman, Karen Fothergill, who needed to feel superior.

Allison made a mistake earlier today. In the midst of supporting me in a huge task I’m undertaking at work, she missed a very important meeting of the at which she was supposed to present. The instant she realized the mistake, while helping me at my office, she immediately made phone calls and sent e-mails to apologize for the mistake, and she felt terrible about it. She was upset the rest of the day, feeling stupid and hating the fact that she screwed up.

When we finished up at my office at around 5:00 PM, we headed out to have our celebration dinner. It was on this very night in 2006 that we had our first real “date,” and it could very accurately be called the night we fell for each other. We planned a beautiful dinner at a waterfront restaurant in New Bern, and were very happy and excited to be in each other’s rapt, attentive company. The upset from earlier in the day was largely forgotten — by us, at least.

Just as we were finishing our appetizer and starting on our entrees, Allison’s phone made its facebook beep. Thinking it might be something important from Raymond, who was home alone, she picked it up and read it. It was from Karen Fothergill, the leader of the Women of Faith group at Faith United Methodist Church. She had deemed this the perfect time to scold Allison — PUBLICLY — for her mistake and remind her of how many people had wasted their time [Update: four people] waiting for her and how much she’d worried them. Allison was instantly upset again, more upset than she had been earlier in the day. Before I could collect the check and get us out of there, she was in tears.

I was angry. I posted an angry response on Facebook, thanking Karen SO VERY MUCH for finding it necessary to scold Allison PUBLICLY. This self-righteous, self-important person publicly replied that she was sorry I was angry, but that (reiterating) many people [Again: four.] had given their time, and people were worried, and so forth. Well, if it needed to be this public, fine. I replied again.

“So this justifies a PUBLIC dressing down of someone who has already apologized? You could have called or e-mailed her personally, but instead you chose to embarrass her. That’s low. Her next call will be to the pastor, when I can get her to stop crying. This from someone I thought was a friend?!” She apparently had nothing to say to that.

Moments later, the entire thread mysteriously disappeared from Allison’s wall. When Allison got home, we found out that Karen had not publicly embarrassed Allison INSTEAD of e-mailing her privately, but IN ADDITION to sending an e-mail that I would have laughed at if it were not so upsetting for Allison. She professed to be Allison’s “sister in Christ,” said that she hoped this occurrence would be an “awareness marker” for Allison that she’s taking on too much, and considerable boasting of her own organizational skills. She didn’t apologize, but did profess to “forgive.” This did not go over well with Allison, I can tell you. How do you respect someone who flails at you publicly in front of God and everybody, and then forgives you privately, where no one else can see? How do you justify attacking publicly and then not even acknowledging it, let alone apologizing? I can’t.

So, here we sit. I’ve put considerable amounts of my time, energy, and expertise to work trying to bring quality sound to a praise team in which Allison’s assailant sings. Allison has devoted ridiculous amounts of her time to helping the church with several events, for which she largely felt appreciated. We were MARRIED at this church! We honestly thought we’d found a church home that could truly welcome us in Christian fellowship, without the need for one-upmanship, politics, or friction with members determined to feel important. One mistake, though, and she’s fair game to be publicly embarrassed. I was supposed to SING in this church tomorrow! I have, of necessity, cancelled.

Allison has left a message for the pastor, one she could barely get out because she was crying so hard. I hate being so anger-filled over this, but when someone hurts my wife, they’ve attacked me. I am going now to comfort my wife, who is still upset, perhaps more so after answering that pompous e-mail. Neither one of us should be making any important decisions when we’re this upset. We’ll decide later what this means for our future with the church.