Yesterday’s “Atlanta Journal-Constitution” carried a story that left me gaping at the complete stupidity that local governments seem not only to suffer from, but to celebrate. Goat-ropes like this are one of the reasons I don’t live in the City of Atlanta itself and never will.
Recently, some of the shopkeepers, residents, and other citizens of Atlanta’s urban areas have noticed the lack of maintenance of the city’s sidewalks (pavements, for our UK readers.) Sidewalks are part of the public domain, and are generally constructed at the same time as the roadways they border. Most cities do a pretty good job of maintaining them … there’s nothing too difficult about patching up concrete when tree roots break it up, or when ice gets into the joints and pushes them open.
You’ll notice I said “Most cities”. Atlanta has recently taken a novel approach to this. Sometime in the city’s history, they’ve sneaked through an ordinance that states that while sidewalks are indeed public, maintenance of them shall be the responsibility of the owner of the building that abuts them. In other words, if you own a coffee shop, you don’t own the sidewalk outside, but you’re responsible for paying to maintain and repair it!
It’s not even that simple. Due to the high number of complaints, Atlanta has instituted an inspection program. They’ve hired a few carloads of high-priced public servants to go around the city, find sidewalks that need repair, and tell the owners of the adjoining building to fix them. If they don’t fix them within a certain period of time, they’ll have to pay a fine. If they still don’t make the repairs, the city will send a crew to make the repairs … and bill the building owner!
Oh, and if the building owner actually decides he wants to pay for the repairs himself, he’ll have to pay the city a pretty big fee just to get a permit to do the work!
I read this last night and thought about it long and hard, decided it was completely ridiculous, and then came up with an equally ridiculous solution.
If I ever own a house in Atlanta with a sidewalk in front, and the sidewalk needs repairs, that sidewalk will have toll booths installed. I will levy a toll from every person who uses that sidewalk, a toll calculated not only to pay for the eventual repairs and maintenance to the walkway, but also sufficient to pay the salaries of the toll collectors I will be forced to employ, to purchase and maintain the toll gates, money-handling systems, and cameras to photograph violators. Funds will also need to be allocated to compensate me for my management of the whole affair. Anyone who doesn’t wish to pay the toll, of course, will still be free to walk in the street, so long as the city continues to pay for street maintenance.
If the city government thinks they can out-stupid me, they have no idea what they’re up against.
Oh, yes, the wind and rain. Frances’ droppings have caused some fallen trees, and some minor flooding, but for the most part she’s been something of a non-event. Nonetheless, I was up all night last night, so right now even if she were blowing stone churches down I’d probably sleep through it. All’s well in Atlanta.