Getting Married, Getting ‘Bent

There have been a lot of changes in my life since I last wrote in this blog. The extensive “microblogging” I tend to do on Facebook has occupied far too much of my time, and I miss long-form writing. I think I’ll do some. Settle in, kick your shoes off, and make yourself at home.

In the interest of domestic harmony I find it prudent to mention first and foremost that I am now married! Allison and I were wed on Sunday, October 17, here in New Bern. Allison’s parents (Ray and Betty Brown) and daughter Chelsea were in attendance, along with son Raymond who lives here with us. In a unique twist, Allison was given in marriage by her eldest son, Jeffrey Perry, also from Atlanta! The joke was that Allison’s dad had given her away twice already, and she’d come back both times, so it was time for someone else to have a go at it.

We were blessed with the company of so many friends! My dearest friend, B.C., made a special stop on a very serious business road trip in order to be my best man. Joining him was Toni “The Finn” Partti, another friend I met while at Full Sail in Florida and who now lives in London … seeing him again was a treat, and the occasion just made it that much more special. Rey Barry and his wife Gimmer drove all the way from Charlottesville, Virginia to witness the event and join us at our reception. Fred Kunitz, one of Allison’s former students, came from Atlanta with his mom, Trixie, who graciously offered to decorate the church and handle the reception, which she did to perfection! Fred and Trixie were with us for several days, and for most of that time, Trixie was working hard cooking and making preparations. There’s absolutely no way we can ever properly thank her. Many members of our church family also came out to share our special day.

Despite the fact that I subjected all present to my singing voice as I gave a special song to Allison during the ceremony, no one walked out before we did and I saw no bleeding ears. Chris Johnson (no relation), a member of our church who has spent several weeks training at the audio console, handled the music with great skill and made everything work perfectly. We could not have asked for a more perfect wedding, and thanks to Trixie, The Finn, Karen Fothergill, Nikki Tosto-Johnson, and so many others with cameras, we have countless photographs and even video that preserve these memories forever. Thank you all.

Related to all of this, of course, is another major life change for me. By this time next year, I hope to be half the man I am now. To understand the reasons for that, you’ll need to understand the last five years of my life. My marriage to Allison represents a kind of closure for me, and I want to tell you why.

In the fall of 2005, I became involved in a relationship with someone I thought was a soulmate. She was much younger, startlingly attractive, and very well educated. I became completely smitten. I was so captivated that I failed to be alarmed when she began to guide me to make changes in my life that would make me more acceptable as a partner to her. These ranged from trivial to extreme. On the trivial side, things like drinking Diet Mountain Dew, wearing Wrangler jeans, and having outdated eyeglass frames became issues and were resolved without much resistance. On the extreme side, it was suggested that Hair Club for Men would resolve my bald spot, that education beyond my meager associate degree would increase my earning power and status, that dental work to make my smile more attractive would make photographs of the two of us an acceptable notion, and that above all, I needed to lose at least half of my 350 pounds.

The most fortunate part of this is that the woman I’d fallen for was exceptionally knowledgeable about nutrition. She laid out a plan that allowed me to eat what seemed (most of the time) to be a sufficient quantity of food while remaining well below the calorie intake required to maintain my excess weight. Charged up by the excitement, I started what would become a series of dieting experiments, most of which proved successful. I also began an aggressive exercise program centered on bicycling. After a year, I had reached a weight of 250 pounds, which made me very happy. I felt good, I had incredible energy levels, and I was pulling off 70+ mile rides on the Silver Comet Trail. My partner was supportive, and I still owe most of my knowledge of nutrition to her, but she was also insistent. 237 pounds, my lowest weight of this entire adventure, was still far too heavy.

In hindsight, I know that I should have understood what was happening. Perhaps I did know. Being characteristically idealistic about relationships and romance, I believed that love would conquer all. In some bizzarre way, I felt a kind of acceptance, even as I was being remodeled. I think this can all be filed under “wishful thinking.” When the changes (weight, financial stability, dentition, etc.) fell behind an acceptable pace, and it became clear that I wasn’t going to be beautiful, rich, or both anytime in the near future, the relationship fell apart. Our commitment was dissolved, discussed, renewed, and then broken again, this time permanently. I was devastated.

It took a bit of time, but I recovered from the blow. I even began to date, sporadically. I hate parties, but I attended one as a way of getting myself out of the house, and met a woman who became a romantic interest. She was nice, but quickly we proved to be a little too different and parted ways. I met a woman at the church where I mixed then who seemed to like me, and who impressed me, and we dated for a time. Where some people have “issues,” this gal had whole subscriptions. Just when I’d reached the point where I thought we were becoming serious, she unceremoniously dumped me at the end of a date one evening because she really wanted to pursue a married man we both knew. This kicked me right back into the deep, dark pit of loneliness, and I crawled into my room and felt sorry for myself.

I had lost over a hundred pounds. My body was in better shape than it had ever been. Women had begun to actually look at me. I fit into normal clothes and didn’t have to shop the big & tall section anymore. It didn’t work; I was still alone and unhappy. The lifestyle changes crumbled and the weight began to come back.

I did it for the wrong reason. That was clear at the time to everyone but me. I didn’t want to be lighter, or healthier, or more attractive … I simply was told that I needed to be if I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life alone and unsuccessful, and I bought that bill of goods in its entirety. In truth, I didn’t need to change, but someone else needed me to change! I didn’t lose the weight for me. I lost it for her.

Allison came along in late fall of 2006, as a friend at first. She came across my profile on MySpace and sent me a message, a cute one referring to her electronics retail background. I replied immediately, and what followed was a rapid series of MySpace messages that stretched into an hour or two! We had quite a few things in common, including a love of writing, so we had a lot to talk about. We even met once — a meeting I misunderstood, it turns out, because she was interested in me as more than a friend, and I was clueless enough not to notice or even consider it possible. Luckily, it didn’t make her angry enough to stop talking to me. As it turns out, she was the first person I talked to after being dumped that final time. She has a true talent for talking down people who are feeling the way I was feeling. Her experience with special-needs children apparently was a plus here. It didn’t take long before she had me laughing at myself, and I realized I’d met someone truly beautiful in every way, and someone really special. We began to date, and as you know, she is now my loving wife.

Acceptance. I had longed for that feeling all my life, and had felt its genuine warmth very infrequently. Allison really did take me for what I am, and I learned another valuable lesson: a little acceptance can be a dangerous thing. Because Allison didn’t really care if I got fat or stayed thin, I stopped caring, too. Because Allison was fabulously skilled as a cook and baker, gaining weight was blissfully easy.

I also stopped exercising. There were no really suitable places to ride after I moved in with Allison, and I had less time due to a longer commute; Allison didn’t seem to mind if I didn’t spend time bicycling. We made a few attempts to ride together, but I quickly lost interest and the bikes were put in the garage to languish in disuse.

The pounds went back on, slowly and insidiously, until I reached my old weight and passed it. I felt tired constantly. My diabetes, which had resolved with the weight loss, returned. I ignored these things for years because I was finally happy and loved, but obesity has ways of announcing itself. Clothes had to be replaced. Chairs broke. Bones and muscles complained of the additional load.

One morning, a few weeks ago, Allison and I set a date for our wedding. We’d waited long enough; it was time. I’d suffered some medical developments that were depressing me, and it crossed my mind that I really owed Allison a more fit husband. Upon further reflection, I realized I owed that to myself as well. Finally doing what I’d done before, but doing it for the right reason, sounded like a great idea, so I decided to begin dieting again, and did so that very day. Except for a few days around the wedding, I have remained so ever since.

Dieting alone won’t do, of course. I need exercise, too, in order to burn off calories and keep my muscles and cardiovascular system strong. I absolutely loved bicycling, so I began to try to ride again. It didn’t work well. At the 380 pound weight I then carried, even a wide “comfort” bicycle saddle caused me considerable pain. My arms and wrists could barely endure the strain of supporting my upper body and were sore and painful after only 20 minutes. It was clear that until I lost significant amounts of weight, riding a bike was going to be torture.

I’d had some earlier experience with recumbent bikes. I took a 50 mile ride on a rented long wheelbase recumbent bike once and really enjoyed the experience. I was lighter then, but I never forgot the comfort; there was no arm or wrist strain, the seat felt great, and I was able to develop much more power with my legs. I began to look at recumbent bikes.

Allison, my bride, is very much like Corporal Max Klinger on M*A*S*H, except that she actually looks really, really good in a dress. If you need something done, she’ll find a way to do it, especially if you tell her she can’t. If you need something, she’ll get it, and if she can’t get it, she’ll build it. She’s the ultimate negotiator and is absolutely relentless in getting to “Yes.” When she became aware that a recumbent bike would help me, she went to work and within a few weeks, we had a solution. Our little boat, a luxury we didn’t strictly need, was traded for a brand-new 2010 Sun EZ-1 SX long wheelbase recumbent.

Riding a recumbent, or ‘Bent, has been interesting! Some adjustment time was definitely called for. I’ve eaten dirt only once, I’m proud to say, although I’ve come close a few more times. Seat position, seat back incline, and handlebar adjustments are very, very critical; I injured my achilles tendon the first week because I was sitting too far back, causing me to “ankle” (move my toe up and down) excessively. A move of only an inch forward fixed that.

I will not lie and say that I’m back to riding every day as I once did, but when I’m out there on the recumbent, exercise doesn’t hurt any more. I’m free to push the pedals and drive myself hard without fear of arm strain, crotch pain, or (let’s be honest here) numb nuts. I’m burning calories and feeling the pounds melt away.

One of the most depressing things about my previous dieting experience was the frequent weighing. I weighed myself without fail every single morning, and because of the body’s tendency to gain and lose weight as a function of hydration, some days I’d exercise myself silly and find I’d gained a pound the next day. This time, I’m not going to drive myself crazy that way. In fact, I have not weighed myself since the very beginning. I can feel myself getting smaller and lighter, and that’s what really matters, not a number on a scale. After several weeks, though, I’m curious and will find out soon how I’ve been doing in quantifiable terms. Wish me luck.

Lunch break’s over, and I’m going back to work, but I also plan to try to return to regular writing here. The catharsis of it is therapeutic! Thanks for reading.

Update for Trouty:

Allison and Scott at their wedding reception
Scott and Allison, Just Married

11 Comments


  1. Nice one, Scott. It must have a hard road. I have the same problem staying at 145lbs 😉


  2. Awww. I read through all that, hoping for a wedding photo at the end.
    Very best wishes to you both. I hope you have a very long and happy life together.


  3. Much love to the pair of you! I hope your happiness lasts forever 🙂


  4. I wish you great success with everything, Scott. It seems to me you’re pretty much in control here!


  5. Best wishes to you both. Thanks for the photo too. Lovely to see you both.


  6. As you can tell from the picture I have not been successful and pushing away from the dinner table early enough. I lack Scott’s level of discipline in such matters although I am very careful in what I prepare for him to eat. I have hopes that I will follow in his tire tracks with the cycling although my rather uncooperative knees are a greater hindrance than my wimpy stamina at the moment. I am working on that slowly.

    I will admit I wince at references to “she who is the nutrition queen” because Scott’s admiration for certain qualities she possessed is still very evident. I even attempted to befriend her as she and Scott were still friends when he and I began our relationship. That did not go well. She continued to try to “run” Scott through emotional pressure not comprehending that her leverage in that area had greatly diminished. I am not a subtle person and I tend to produce claws and fangs when someone tries to exert negative control over a person I love. When she tried to direct me on the workings of my relationship with Scott I gave her clear and unequivocal instructions as to the fate of people who attempted to meddle in and micromanage things not of their concern.
    Scott said I scared the hell out of her. Somehow that did not bother me.
    He went back to wearing his choice of jeans, drinking mountain dew, smiling at me with teeth showing, and laughing about the hair that was not there any more. He did draw the line at letting me draw a picture of a little man with a lawnmower running around his scalp but he also stopped worrying about “fixing” his hair.
    In return he teases me about a number of my own foibles from eccentric speech patterns to crunchy knees. Such is the way of loving that your imperfections become endearments rather than a punch list of things to repair.

    I am grateful for the nutrition knowledge he gained from her. I am exceedingly proud of Scott for making this commitment and following through. I take great pride and joy in becoming Scott’s wife. I love him as he is and love him all the more for pursuing who he wants to be. At the end of the day, regardless of hair, weight, teeth, bluejeans etc. I can look into those incredible blue eyes and see the man inside. That is the man I have committed my life to. The package he is wrapped in can change as time and his efforts dictate. I will support his efforts but none of those changes will have any effect on my devotion to the man inside.


  7. Congratualtions to you both, and I wish you a long and happy life together. Good luck is all your endeavours to make the years ahead as many, as happy and as healthy as possible.


  8. *Note to self: check spelling and grammar before hitting Send


  9. Oh thank you for the photo, Scott. You both look very happy.
    And, Allison, you have my sympathy with regard to unco-operative knees. I have them too!
    Love and good luck to you both.


  10. Much love and happiness to you both!


  11. Yeah…. what they ^ said!

    I love the photo and wish you both every happiness.

    Mwah!

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